How I Wrestled With Depression & Won
- I truly did not grasp depression until I experienced it myself, and boy it was horrific. It honestly felt like it came from no where and just hit me hard. Below is an entry I wrote during my depression, and hopefully if you have ever experienced this you will be able to relate:
“ I am depressed. I could not tell you what spiraled me down this road but it is heart wrenching. I want to be gone, I want to be numb. Everyone looks at me like I am supposed to be happy, and I should be. I know there is a million reasons why I should be happy, and thinking about that just makes things worse. I am a piece of shit, I am sitting here sad…making everyone’s life miserable when all they keep trying to do is make me happy. I fail at everything. Even being happy. I don't know how to snap out of it.. It is like I'm good for maybe a couple hours a day and then I just slide right down the depression slope. I feel so uncomfortable with myself. I eat like crap, I feel like crap. I know that if I don't get out of this soon something bad is going to happen. Why would anyone want to be with me. I don't like me, actually better yet I currently hate myself. I just want to get away from this pain. This jabbing cut throat, holding back tears, heart wrenching pain. I feel like my esophagus is being scrapped every time I try not to cry. I hope that one day soon I will look back at this and read it and think about how silly it was and how I am so happy. Ugh I cant wait to be truly happy again. I have to figure this out for me and everyone who still cares about me.”
I got out of THIS, yes THIS! & so can you. The trick is to start super small, everyone kept flooding me with what I need to be doing to “snap” out of it which made things inevitably worst. The advice they were giving me seemed unattainable, it was like they were asking me to run a marathon but I was crippled. I do not blame them for they were just trying to help, but they did not know how to, and how could they if they have never experienced it themselves. So I started small and realistic. I made tiny goals for myself such as:
Taking a long hot bath
Spending time outside, even for 15 minutes
I started playing calming music in the morning
Reading a positive novel for a part of the day rather then watching TV
It is the little things because looking at the big picture is scary when under this state. With making little changes I slowly started to gain more energy. I felt so stagnate for so long, so I wanted to get my joints moving. I started going to the gym just to walk (literally walk, & I used to run 5-6 miles regularly). I brought my iPad and committed to watching documentaries during my gym escapades. Kill two birds with one stone type of deal. This was a huge game changer due to the fact I watched documentaries related to food which motivated me to cut out all the junk in my life. I also watched positive, uplifting documentaries on monks and happiness. I will further discuss food and what documentaries I recommend in a later blog post. Another huge game changer for me was mediating and doing yoga. This might seem impossible, but I promise you it is not. I did not start off doing crazy yogi poses, more like just stretching. I put calming meditating music on, lit a candle, and sat. I focused on my breathing, and one word. Most days my word is peace, sometimes happiness and strength. Furthermore, anytime a thought would pop in my head, I recognized it but I did not dwell on these thoughts. Instead I refocused on my word! Give yourself the time to do this, it does not need to take a ton of time in order for it to be affective.
“Leave your front door and your back door open.
Allow your thoughts to come and go.
Just don't serve them tea.”
Shunryu Suzuki
That is the basics of how I started getting my life back together, feeling better again is such a phenomenal feeling. Focusing on yourself, your path, your health is vital to happiness. YOU CAN DO IT! I know it is scary, I remember feeling scared that what if these things do not work, or what if I am just going to fall flat on my face again, but you have to at least try. Life is meant to be filled with JOY, LOVE, PURPOSE. Everyone is capable!
